[flashback] Dern response to Metcalfe critique of Dern 'net collapse?' piece (fwd)
Paul Ferguson
ferguson at cisco.com
Tue Mar 9 01:20:26 UTC 1999
Hello,
Just a reminder, folks -- the Internet is still here. Has anything
really changed? Hmmm.
See you in Eugene.
Enjoy!
- paul
>Date: Fri, 30 Aug 1996 20:43:23 -0400 (EDT)
>From: "J.D. Falk" <jdfalk at cyberNOTHING.org>
>To: nanog at merit.edu
>Subject: Dern response to Metcalfe critique of Dern 'net collapse?' piece (fwd)
>X-US-Congress: Moronic fucks.
>Organization: cyberNOTHING.org: Because nothing is cooler when it's cyber.
>Sender: owner-nanog at merit.edu
>
>
> Both NANOG and the Internet Press Guild talking about some of the
>same things...what fun!
> BTW, the IPG is at 'http://www.netpress.org/ipg/'. We'll be
>forming a public list for discussion of coverage of the net in major
>media, sorta like alt.internet.media-coverage used to be.
>
>---------- Forwarded message ----------
>Date: Thu, 29 Aug 1996 00:47:04 -0400
>From: Daniel P Dern <ddern at world.std.com>
>Reply-To: ipg-l at netpress.org
>To: ipg-l at netpress.org
>Subject: (Belated fwd) Dern response to Metcalfe critique of Dern 'net collapse?' piece
>Resent-Date: Thu, 29 Aug 1996 00:49:41 -0400
>Resent-From: ipg-l at netpress.org
>
>
>
>---------<dern>------------
>DERN ON THE INTERNET:
>
> Internet Predicts Overloading of Bob Metcalfe (.GIF at 11)
>
> (as told to Daniel P. Dern <ddern at world.std.com, www.dern.com>)
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel P. Dern
>
> [ Copyleft (cl) - Permission granted to redistribute free ONLY to
> free-for-access online forums, sites and such (including mailing
> lists), and only so long as my byline, copyright and this disclaimer
> are included. Anyone else interested, contact me. -dpd ]
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>{What has gone before: <read this in Italics if you got 'em>
>
> I had a front-page article in the July 1 issue of InfoWorld, on the
> every-popular topic "is the Internet collapsing." Bob Metcalfe
> responded to it, with, "Internet Intelligentsia Stands on Credos, Not
> Facts", in the same issue (p.75, opposite my final 'graphs). Here is
> my response to Metcalfe's response; Bob, this constitutes the other
> shoe finally dropping :-) </Italics if you had 'em> -dpd}
>
>
>AUGUST 1996 (shortly after lunch) -- If you've been following the
>cybernatterings of cyberluminary Bob Metcalfe during the past half-year
>or so (or past two years in Internet dog years), in his InfoWorld "From
>The Ether" column, or elsewhere in various speeches, articles,
>interviews, and online postings, you're probably well aware that Dr.
>Metcalfe is concerned about the Internet.
>
>In fact, he's convinced that the Internet is overloaded to the point
>where it will soon collapse. Why he doesn't suggest the Internet take
>two aspirins, go to bed, and Internet-phone him in the morning I don't
>know -- perhaps he's not that kind of doctor. But he's definitely
>concerned.
>
>It is therefore highly ironic that, according to the Internet, a
>similar fate may lie in store for Metcalfe. In an exclusive interview
>I just had with the Internet, the Internet opined that Bob Metcalfe is
>overloading, and, predicts the Internet, he will soon be unable to
>handle the load.
>
>Dr. Robert Metcalfe, a suave, well- -- if perhaps too-casually- --
>dressed techno bon vivant, and awardwinner, is best known for being the
>creator of Ethernet, and also for being one of the founders of 3Com,
>and recently variously publisher, editor-in-chief, and columnist at
>InfoWorld magazine. He's been kvetching about the Internet long before
>other industry pundits, even John Dvorak or Jerry Pournelle.
>
>The Internet is, of course, a global network of networks, linked by the
>IP networking protocols which enable applications on different types of
>networks and computers to "schmooze" (intercommunicate), and has become
>best known as the home of the WorldWideWeb (which has in turn spawned
>all those "intranets," "extranets," "intrawebs," and "IP corrals"),
>which, as well all know, is the reason we all "need" Netscape Navigator
>and/or Microsoft Internet Explorer. (Conspiracy theorists attribute
>much of the claimed value of the Web to PR campaigns by memory chip
>makers.)
>
>"It's the Firesign Theatre's 'Fudd's Law' all over again -- 'If you push
>anything hard enough, it will fall over,'" the Internet quipped self-
>referentially, while simultaneously blowing routing loops from its
>elegantly carved high-bandwidth meerschaum pipe and signing receipt chits
>for new top-level domains.
>
>"I know Bob's worried about me -- well, I'm worried about Bob," the
>Internet stated statelessly. "He's pushing himself too hard -- and,
>unlike me, he only has one provider and wasn't engineered to scale the
>same way." The Internet put down the pile of paperwork on a nearby
>routing table, which was wobbling as if it might collapse at any moment.
>A green plastic fish which had escaped from another essay wriggled
>briefly nearby.
>
>The Internet is flattered by the Metcalfe's ongoing interest in its
>health, but fears that this may be a case of the bioanarchistic pot
>calling the cyber-kettle black.
>
>"He's taking on too great a load," explained the Internet, dressed in a
>open-protocol suit and a <BLINK>ing bow tie for the occasion, at its open
>suite in the Hotel D'Arpa recently for an exclusive interview. "He's
>writing articles and editorials, he's speaking at conferences, he's being
>interviewed, he's getting awards, he's giving parties... Bob Metcalfe was
>never designed to handle this great a load, nor to handle many of these
>types of functions. Heck, it makes me tired just to think about it.
>It's inevitable that he'll prove unable to handle the load, sooner or
>later."
>
>According to a recent three-year $100 million study by two mailroom
>clerks and a service technician at the Cantseetheforestforthetrees
>Group located in Cambridge, Mass. near what was supposed to have been
>the site of a major urban mall and housing development that never
>materialized, "Metcalfe's appearances and activities have been growing
>at a monthly rate of 15%." By mid-2002, they predict, "Metcalfe will be
>speaking at every trade show in the United States, as well as at 29% of
>the Boy and Girl Scout troop meetings, numerous city zoning board
>committees, and several county fairs."
>
>(Copies of the full report, including color graphs and pie charts, are
>available for the small cheap paltry sum of $597, payable in $3.00 Ecash
>certificates made on a browser with margins set to 6.2 centimeters. Free
>copies are available from their web site.)
>
>Metcalfe's silicon-intelligent anarchistica, notably several leading
>Ethernet segments at major universities, deny the rumors. "Bob's NAPs
>keep him well-rested and productive," reported one at a technical east
>coast site. But others report dropped salt packets, open jars of clam
>dip, and a growing pile of sport coats and sweaters -- some of which,
>one WAN wag reported, aren't as seamless as they used to be.
>
>"Being a pundit requires a lot more speed and flexibility than it used
>to," notes Sc*tt Br*dn*r, an alleged academic at a university located a
>few miles upriver from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M*T)
>in Cambridge, Mass. "Bob's been able to cope, but he'll run out of
>bandwidth sooner or later, and fail to show up for a meeting somewhere,
>or drop his speech en route."
>
>D*v* Cl*rk, an alleged computer science academic purported to have been
>allegedly seen having a beer with an alleged journalist, says, "We have
>computer simulations of Metcalfe running on our academic computers
>which show how Metcalfe could run at a higher speed. Unfortunately,
>our program refuses to run simulations involving Metcalfe performing
>non-academic activities." Cl*rk hypothesized that his simulator was
>assuming an arbitrarily large supply of graduate students as one of the
>resources in its calculations.
>
>V*nt C*rf, alleged father of the Internet paternity suite and co-founder
>of C*rfN*t, adds, "At this point, given the expectations that have been
>created for Metcalfe, it's important that he drop something, if only to
>prove we're right and he's wrong."
>
>Defenders of Metcalfe claim the Internet is being unfair. "Bob, like
>all of us, is comprised of many individual organs, bones, cells and old
>parking tickets," points out an Ethernet segment in Umbilical, Hawaii
>which was subsequently arrested by the Grammar Police for improper use of
>'comprise.' "To say he's completely overloading, versus that some
>muscle or organ may be overloading, is unfair."
>
>"Part of the problem," the Internet said in response to these counter-
>critiques, "is that Metcalfe was never designed to handle a load like
>this. He still needs security, management, proper billing, guaranteed
>service, and blue suede shoes. It's our own fault for continuing to use
>him."
>
>I attempted to reach Metcalfe for comment, but he was unavailable (hmmm!)
>-- off making a speach somewhere in New York... or was it Chicago... or
>Los Angeles... or whatever. (Kinda proves the point, don't it?)
>
>"I understand what it's like to be overloaded," the Internet concluded.
>"But I've got the same confidence in Bob that he's got in me. Frankly, I
>think we both want to collapse, and then be allowed to spend a few weeks
>chilling out somewhere quiet, downloading back a few drinks, and waiting
>for the press to find some other headline-grabbing scapegoat.
>
>"As for all those businesses supposedly relying on me -- heck, I never
>said I was good for that stuff," the Internet pinged. "I was supposed to
>just be the proof of concept. Making me into that info-super-duper-
>highway, that was somebody else's idea. Whoops -- here somes the three
>o'clock weather checkers and PointCast update -- back to work!"
>
>Shrugging out of its jacket and into a naugahyde jacket with a large
>"IP On Everything" JPEG on the back, the Internet sauntered off to the
>nearest meetpoint, singing, in a semi-public key, to a frightening
>familiar tune, "I know I connect all those LANs/and the LANs I connect
>to are grand/So when I say, IP, aye, IP, eye-pee-eye-eh/I'm lookin'
>fine, info-highway/info-highway, no way!..."
>
> *
>
>(Note to readers: Only stunt or simulated Metcalfes were used in
>testing and writing this article. Not real Metcalfes, or even his
>sweaters, were used. And had this been a real "Internet is out" alert,
>this would, of course, never have gotten to you.)
>
> #
>
>- Daniel P. Dern (ddern at world.std.com, www.dern.com) has been writing,
>speaking, consulting, and writing song parodies about the Internet for
>over a decade. Author of THE INTERNET GUIDE FOR NEW USERS and founding
>editor of Internet World magazine, he's ready for somebody to give him
>another Internet magazine to be in charge of. Or even another Internet
>column. And yes, he knows his Web site is vastly in need of updating,
>okay?
>
>
> Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel P. Dern
>
>
>/the end. really.
>---------</dern>------------
>
>-----------
>
>Daniel Dern (ddern at world.std.com, http://www.dern.com)
> Internet analyst, author, columnist & speaker
> (617) 969-7947 FAX: (617) 969-7949
>
>
>
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