Dern response to Metcalfe critique of Dern 'net collapse?' piece (fwd)
J.D. Falk
jdfalk at cyberNOTHING.org
Sat Aug 31 00:43:23 UTC 1996
Both NANOG and the Internet Press Guild talking about some of the
same things...what fun!
BTW, the IPG is at 'http://www.netpress.org/ipg/'. We'll be
forming a public list for discussion of coverage of the net in major
media, sorta like alt.internet.media-coverage used to be.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 29 Aug 1996 00:47:04 -0400
From: Daniel P Dern <ddern at world.std.com>
Reply-To: ipg-l at netpress.org
To: ipg-l at netpress.org
Subject: (Belated fwd) Dern response to Metcalfe critique of Dern 'net collapse?' piece
Resent-Date: Thu, 29 Aug 1996 00:49:41 -0400
Resent-From: ipg-l at netpress.org
---------<dern>------------
DERN ON THE INTERNET:
Internet Predicts Overloading of Bob Metcalfe (.GIF at 11)
(as told to Daniel P. Dern <ddern at world.std.com, www.dern.com>)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel P. Dern
[ Copyleft (cl) - Permission granted to redistribute free ONLY to
free-for-access online forums, sites and such (including mailing
lists), and only so long as my byline, copyright and this disclaimer
are included. Anyone else interested, contact me. -dpd ]
--------------------------------------------------------------------
{What has gone before: <read this in Italics if you got 'em>
I had a front-page article in the July 1 issue of InfoWorld, on the
every-popular topic "is the Internet collapsing." Bob Metcalfe
responded to it, with, "Internet Intelligentsia Stands on Credos, Not
Facts", in the same issue (p.75, opposite my final 'graphs). Here is
my response to Metcalfe's response; Bob, this constitutes the other
shoe finally dropping :-) </Italics if you had 'em> -dpd}
AUGUST 1996 (shortly after lunch) -- If you've been following the
cybernatterings of cyberluminary Bob Metcalfe during the past half-year
or so (or past two years in Internet dog years), in his InfoWorld "From
The Ether" column, or elsewhere in various speeches, articles,
interviews, and online postings, you're probably well aware that Dr.
Metcalfe is concerned about the Internet.
In fact, he's convinced that the Internet is overloaded to the point
where it will soon collapse. Why he doesn't suggest the Internet take
two aspirins, go to bed, and Internet-phone him in the morning I don't
know -- perhaps he's not that kind of doctor. But he's definitely
concerned.
It is therefore highly ironic that, according to the Internet, a
similar fate may lie in store for Metcalfe. In an exclusive interview
I just had with the Internet, the Internet opined that Bob Metcalfe is
overloading, and, predicts the Internet, he will soon be unable to
handle the load.
Dr. Robert Metcalfe, a suave, well- -- if perhaps too-casually- --
dressed techno bon vivant, and awardwinner, is best known for being the
creator of Ethernet, and also for being one of the founders of 3Com,
and recently variously publisher, editor-in-chief, and columnist at
InfoWorld magazine. He's been kvetching about the Internet long before
other industry pundits, even John Dvorak or Jerry Pournelle.
The Internet is, of course, a global network of networks, linked by the
IP networking protocols which enable applications on different types of
networks and computers to "schmooze" (intercommunicate), and has become
best known as the home of the WorldWideWeb (which has in turn spawned
all those "intranets," "extranets," "intrawebs," and "IP corrals"),
which, as well all know, is the reason we all "need" Netscape Navigator
and/or Microsoft Internet Explorer. (Conspiracy theorists attribute
much of the claimed value of the Web to PR campaigns by memory chip
makers.)
"It's the Firesign Theatre's 'Fudd's Law' all over again -- 'If you push
anything hard enough, it will fall over,'" the Internet quipped self-
referentially, while simultaneously blowing routing loops from its
elegantly carved high-bandwidth meerschaum pipe and signing receipt chits
for new top-level domains.
"I know Bob's worried about me -- well, I'm worried about Bob," the
Internet stated statelessly. "He's pushing himself too hard -- and,
unlike me, he only has one provider and wasn't engineered to scale the
same way." The Internet put down the pile of paperwork on a nearby
routing table, which was wobbling as if it might collapse at any moment.
A green plastic fish which had escaped from another essay wriggled
briefly nearby.
The Internet is flattered by the Metcalfe's ongoing interest in its
health, but fears that this may be a case of the bioanarchistic pot
calling the cyber-kettle black.
"He's taking on too great a load," explained the Internet, dressed in a
open-protocol suit and a <BLINK>ing bow tie for the occasion, at its open
suite in the Hotel D'Arpa recently for an exclusive interview. "He's
writing articles and editorials, he's speaking at conferences, he's being
interviewed, he's getting awards, he's giving parties... Bob Metcalfe was
never designed to handle this great a load, nor to handle many of these
types of functions. Heck, it makes me tired just to think about it.
It's inevitable that he'll prove unable to handle the load, sooner or
later."
According to a recent three-year $100 million study by two mailroom
clerks and a service technician at the Cantseetheforestforthetrees
Group located in Cambridge, Mass. near what was supposed to have been
the site of a major urban mall and housing development that never
materialized, "Metcalfe's appearances and activities have been growing
at a monthly rate of 15%." By mid-2002, they predict, "Metcalfe will be
speaking at every trade show in the United States, as well as at 29% of
the Boy and Girl Scout troop meetings, numerous city zoning board
committees, and several county fairs."
(Copies of the full report, including color graphs and pie charts, are
available for the small cheap paltry sum of $597, payable in $3.00 Ecash
certificates made on a browser with margins set to 6.2 centimeters. Free
copies are available from their web site.)
Metcalfe's silicon-intelligent anarchistica, notably several leading
Ethernet segments at major universities, deny the rumors. "Bob's NAPs
keep him well-rested and productive," reported one at a technical east
coast site. But others report dropped salt packets, open jars of clam
dip, and a growing pile of sport coats and sweaters -- some of which,
one WAN wag reported, aren't as seamless as they used to be.
"Being a pundit requires a lot more speed and flexibility than it used
to," notes Sc*tt Br*dn*r, an alleged academic at a university located a
few miles upriver from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M*T)
in Cambridge, Mass. "Bob's been able to cope, but he'll run out of
bandwidth sooner or later, and fail to show up for a meeting somewhere,
or drop his speech en route."
D*v* Cl*rk, an alleged computer science academic purported to have been
allegedly seen having a beer with an alleged journalist, says, "We have
computer simulations of Metcalfe running on our academic computers
which show how Metcalfe could run at a higher speed. Unfortunately,
our program refuses to run simulations involving Metcalfe performing
non-academic activities." Cl*rk hypothesized that his simulator was
assuming an arbitrarily large supply of graduate students as one of the
resources in its calculations.
V*nt C*rf, alleged father of the Internet paternity suite and co-founder
of C*rfN*t, adds, "At this point, given the expectations that have been
created for Metcalfe, it's important that he drop something, if only to
prove we're right and he's wrong."
Defenders of Metcalfe claim the Internet is being unfair. "Bob, like
all of us, is comprised of many individual organs, bones, cells and old
parking tickets," points out an Ethernet segment in Umbilical, Hawaii
which was subsequently arrested by the Grammar Police for improper use of
'comprise.' "To say he's completely overloading, versus that some
muscle or organ may be overloading, is unfair."
"Part of the problem," the Internet said in response to these counter-
critiques, "is that Metcalfe was never designed to handle a load like
this. He still needs security, management, proper billing, guaranteed
service, and blue suede shoes. It's our own fault for continuing to use
him."
I attempted to reach Metcalfe for comment, but he was unavailable (hmmm!)
-- off making a speach somewhere in New York... or was it Chicago... or
Los Angeles... or whatever. (Kinda proves the point, don't it?)
"I understand what it's like to be overloaded," the Internet concluded.
"But I've got the same confidence in Bob that he's got in me. Frankly, I
think we both want to collapse, and then be allowed to spend a few weeks
chilling out somewhere quiet, downloading back a few drinks, and waiting
for the press to find some other headline-grabbing scapegoat.
"As for all those businesses supposedly relying on me -- heck, I never
said I was good for that stuff," the Internet pinged. "I was supposed to
just be the proof of concept. Making me into that info-super-duper-
highway, that was somebody else's idea. Whoops -- here somes the three
o'clock weather checkers and PointCast update -- back to work!"
Shrugging out of its jacket and into a naugahyde jacket with a large
"IP On Everything" JPEG on the back, the Internet sauntered off to the
nearest meetpoint, singing, in a semi-public key, to a frightening
familiar tune, "I know I connect all those LANs/and the LANs I connect
to are grand/So when I say, IP, aye, IP, eye-pee-eye-eh/I'm lookin'
fine, info-highway/info-highway, no way!..."
*
(Note to readers: Only stunt or simulated Metcalfes were used in
testing and writing this article. Not real Metcalfes, or even his
sweaters, were used. And had this been a real "Internet is out" alert,
this would, of course, never have gotten to you.)
#
- Daniel P. Dern (ddern at world.std.com, www.dern.com) has been writing,
speaking, consulting, and writing song parodies about the Internet for
over a decade. Author of THE INTERNET GUIDE FOR NEW USERS and founding
editor of Internet World magazine, he's ready for somebody to give him
another Internet magazine to be in charge of. Or even another Internet
column. And yes, he knows his Web site is vastly in need of updating,
okay?
Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel P. Dern
/the end. really.
---------</dern>------------
-----------
Daniel Dern (ddern at world.std.com, http://www.dern.com)
Internet analyst, author, columnist & speaker
(617) 969-7947 FAX: (617) 969-7949
More information about the NANOG
mailing list